


Rendezvous with Dicks

by hellsinki



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: M/M, NOT for WA stans, amnesia!barry, amnesia!barry suddenly realizes he has a thing for blue-eyed blond jerks, cisco has a thing for dicks, cisco is totally jealous but he's hiding it well, for convenience, he's beyond good & evil, he's taking a break from all the angst, hes earned it, julian is totally a slytherin in this, julian plays along cuz why not, missing scene from 3x21, snowbert doesn't exist in this au, tbh im kinda nervous about this, this fic is silly n fun n totally different from my usual style, too many mentions of dicks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-10-31 18:49:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10905303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellsinki/pseuds/hellsinki
Summary: Maybe wiping off Barry's memories didn't exactly help with their Savitar problem, but it certainly helped with resolving the unhealthy amount of UST at STAR Labs. Not exactly a crack!fic but beware of a disturbing lack of angst and questionable morals. Julian/amnesia!Barry, Julian/Cisco





	1. Allenbert

After the whole fiasco of wiping off Barry’s memories and his little row with Cisco over what could have possibly gone wrong (‘There was nothing wrong with my disruptor, Julian, I’d calculated everything!’, ‘Oh, then why did you forget about Barry’s increase neural velocity?’, ‘ _Excuse me_ , but it wasn’t like you remembered that tiny little detail either, Mr. _Metahuman_ _Specialist_!’), Julian had retreated to the small room next to the Cortex, which he had basically made his own private office. He was currently making himself look busy with working on an algorithm to identify patterns in unsolved murders in Central City in the past ten years when Barry Allen walked in, looking slightly sheepish, but mostly curious and...well, carefree.

‘Carefree’ was a word Julian would have never thought he would one day use to describe the superhero of Central City, but well, here he was.

“So...since everyone else is busy downstairs trying to figure out how to... _fix_ me, I was wondering if we could...talk, perhaps?”

Julian didn’t take his eyes off the tablet in his hands as his fingers typed in a series of codes in quick succession. “Talk? Alright. I can multitask.”

“What do you know about me?”

The question came out of nowhere and made Julian look up at the younger man with a raised brow, “What do I know about you?” _You’re a shitty CSI, you’re sloppy and hot-headed, you never listen to my wise suggestions, you have a hero complex…_ “You’re gay and we’re dating.”

He wasn’t sure why he said that. Maybe because he thought it would rattle Barry, or at the very least annoy him. He liked getting under Barry’s skin, ruffling his feathers, so to speak. It was all good fun, the length the two would go to just to see nostrils flare, teeth sinking into the bottom lip to stop a particularly nasty remark from escaping, but failing most of the time and then being shamelessly unapologetic about it. He braced himself for a sarcastic retort, but for some reason, it didn’t come.

Barry’s pleasantly surprised “We are?” wasn’t exactly what Julian had been expecting to hear. He expected a certain amount of skepticism at least, but instead Barry had sounded pleased with the possibility of them together. Julian also noticed that the brunette CSI hadn’t even objected to being gay either. _Curiouser and curiouser._

“Yes, totally.” He said flippantly to mask his surprise, eyes cast downward at the tablet, numbers and charts mixing haphazardly with the sudden images of Barry bent over his desk at the precinct, pants pooling around his long legs, his bare ass sticking out in the air.

Julian dug his finger into the knot of his tie to loosen it. It had suddenly become a little difficult to pass saliva down his throat.

“So, it’d be ok if I did this,” Julian looked up at the odd comment at the same time Barry leaned down to catch Julian’s lips in a surprise kiss.

Julian’s first impulse was to push him away, but Barry was kissing him with so much fervor and charming eagerness that it felt wrong and somewhat cruel to put such an aggressive end to it. Still seated and craning his neck to better access Barry’s mouth, Julian went along with the kiss because it actually felt nice, and he was surprised that he was enjoying a misplaced kiss with Barry Allen, of all people. Normally, he wasn’t particularly interested in such open displays of affection, but Barry had a way of running his tongue seductively over the seam of Julian’s lips and sliding it persuasively into his mouth that the blond couldn’t find it in his heart to care.

“What the fuck, man?”

The two promptly broke apart as their eyes landed on the intruder. Julian cleared his throat and adjusted his tie awkwardly, as he pointed an accusing finger at a deeply flushed Barry, “He kissed me first!”

“Err...I shouldn’t have?” If possible, he went even redder in the face as he took a step away from the desk and Julian’s seated form.

Cisco gave him a comic wide-eyed look mixed with horror and confusion. “No! You’re not even gay! Or did we mess up with your sexuality, too?”

“What? I’m not gay? But I thought...and the kiss was…”, Barry looked back at Julian as if asking for help.

Julian didn’t have the heart to deny him that, not with those innocent eyes and the trembling lips on that stupidly cute face. “It was very nice, Barry.” He said with absolute honesty.

Barry’s face lit up like a child who had just torn into a birthday present only to find his dream toy inside the box. “Yeah! I’d like to try it again.”

Cisco looked like he was about to pull his hair out. “No, you don’t! This isn’t you, Barry. You’re totally not gay,” and then with less conviction, “Well, as far as you let us know all these years, that is.”

Somehow, Julian was finding this whole scenario highly amusing. “Well, if he likes to explore other possibilities now, I’d say we let him.”

Barry gave him a brilliant smile, while Cisco turned to him with a severe frown. “Why are you even enjoying this? I thought you didn't like him.”

Well, the remark was a bit odd, considering the progress Julian had made in his rocky relationship with Barry. He thought everyone knew by now that the two actually got along and the bickering was only part of the fun. Why was Cisco upset over the fact that Julian might like Barry a little more than was allowed within the red lines of friendzone?

“You...don’t like me?” Barry’s eyes were quivering with hurt and confusion. It did something awful to Julian, like he had just kicked a puppy. “Then why are we even dating?”

“You're WHAT? JULIAN WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HIM??”

Julian got to his feet and crossed his arms across his chest defensively, “I was joking, okay?”

“Joking?” Barry now looked on the verge of tears. “Like, we're not really dating?”

Apparently, an amnesiac Barry was also very slow on the uptake. Julian actually liked him better this way, he could easily wrap him around his finger and make him believe the most ridiculous thing. He was just so damn _gullible_ and Julian surprisingly found that a highly attractive personality trait on the speedster.

But the British CSI wasn’t really that horrible of a person. Or at least, he didn’t want to think that he was. “No, Barry, I’m sorry. It was just a stupid joke. I didn’t think you’d believe it.”

Julian was expecting Barry to get angry at him for the prank, but instead, the younger man just kept looking at him with hurt, pleading eyes. “But...but I liked it. The kiss. You. I mean...I have these feelings...I thought...it didn't feel like a joke.”

Barry’s sudden confession of love, or whatever absurd feeling it was, threw Julian completely off-guard. “Oh my lord,” he pinched the bridge of his nose, not believing that a little teasing and a little kiss, no matter how nice it had actually felt, could leave such a strong impression on Barry, who was, by all intent and purposes, totally straight and in love with his childhood sweetheart.

They really needed to get the old Barry back, Julian thought with rising panic.

Still standing in the doorframe, Cisco seemed to be having the same idea. “Julian, please figure out this mess before Iris finds out about it!”

“Why? What does she have to do with anything?” Barry’s cluelessness made Julian snort in amusement. Ignoring the whole creepy love confession, this was the most fun Julian had had in ages. And he had to thank an amnesiac, suddenly-gone-homosexual Barry Allen to thank for it. What had become of his life?

“Barry! You and Iris are engaged!” Julian was finding Cisco’s outbursts also quite funny. Somehow, the thought that this whole mess was the product of something Julian had said made the senior lab tech feel very proud of himself.

“WHAT?!” Was it just him, or were there just too many outbursts in this room, Julian wondered to himself as he watched Barry’s panicked expression with sly amusement. “Why would I even...! I mean, she’s like, my sister? Wally told me he’s my brother, so how does that not make Iris my sister?”

Barry’s reasoning actually managed to quickly sober Julian up. This was getting into dangerous territory now and Julian should really stop treating Barry’s sudden homosexual tendencies and attraction to blond, blue-eyed jerks as an amusing joke. “Okay, this is getting totally fucked-up.”

But it was proving to be very difficult not to be amused at the ridiculousness of the whole situation.

“You think?” Cisco narrowed his eyes angrily at him. “You should’ve thought about it before making such stupid jokes for your perverse amusement.”

Oh, they were back at it again. The constant bickering. What was it with Julian always attracting these types of people into his orbit? Or did he just have that effect on everyone? “Well, I’m sorry! I wasn't lying when I said he kissed me first. Barry here apparently is kind of attracted to me.” _And that is by no means my fault,_ he let Cisco draw that conclusion by himself.

Never let it be said that Julian Albert Desmond would ever admit to having made a mistake. Especially in cases that he clearly had not.  

As if Julian had just said something Barry was dying to hear from the very start, those green eyes began to shine with fierce determination once more. “Yeah, Julian’s right. I really like the idea of us dating.”

How did they end up in this mess, again? Yeah, totally not Julian’s fault.

Cisco grabbed the sides of his head into his hands, looking on the verge of a nervous breakdown. “Oh my god. Okay. I’m leaving you to this! Julian! Fix this!” He then turned on his heels and left the office before either of them could say anything.

Julian turned towards Barry who was looking back at him with badly-concealed anticipation, biting his lip and shifting from one foot to another. He gave the brunette a suggestive smirk as he walked around the desk to get closer to him. Barry held his breath, green eyes daring him to throw all caution to the wind.

It had been ages since Julian had felt this _carefree_. He supposed Barry’s attitude was probably contagious.

“Okay, where were we?” And before he knew it, they were making out again, all eager mouths and labored breathing and drawn-out moans, hands tangled into one another’s hair and their bodies flushed from chest to hip, Julian on his tiptoes to better reach Barry’s amazing lips.

Barry was a damn good kisser, Julian decided as he felt sharp teeth tugging at his lower lip and sucking it in; and the blond CSI wasn’t one to let such good opportunities go to waste just because of some feeling of moral obligation. He’d let Barry punch him in the face once he regained his memories and then everything would be back to normal. No more guilty conscience and all, if there ever was one.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea for this fic came from Cisco admitting that Julian reminded him of Hartley because he was a dick. And their dynamics in the whole episode was awesome. Also a clueless Barry reading out 'under the expert direction of Julian Albert' without being slightly sarcastic about it. Honestly, how could I resist?  
> Fic title inspired by that infamous Turbonegro song. This fic has been written for Julian's enjoyment. Hope you'll enjoy it too!  
> Next part: Julian/Cisco !


	2. Julvibe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm...there may be a little too many mentions of dicks in this chapter (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)

They were still no nearer to figuring out a way to restore Barry’s memories, but at least the brunette’s libido had finally calmed down and he was slowly warming up to the idea of being straight and in love with Iris West.

Julian was surprised that he didn’t feel even the slightest amount of disappointment now that Barry’s attention had returned to where it actually belonged. Well, it was fun while it lasted and now the memory of those steamy make-out sessions and the shameless groping and dry humping against the wall was ancient history to him (although he did get himself a copy of the CCTV footage of their tryst for future review - he didn't delete the footage from the DVR system just to rattle Cisco who Julian knew would be curious enough to check the whole thing out).

Julian had even thought about some convincing arguments to wiggle his way out of that highly probable punch that Barry would throw at his face for having taken advantage of him like that. Maybe he could just chalk it up as payment for that super-punch he received months ago because the Flash wanted to play favorites for his meta friend and didn’t want Julian and justice to get in the way.

Never let it be said that Julian Albert Desmond didn’t know how to hold a grudge.

Right now, it was just him and Cisco in the medical wing, going over any possible scenario that could help Barry with his amnesia. It was actually pretty late too; everyone else had long left STAR Labs for their respective homes, including Barry. Julian thought about calling it a night and continuing their research the next day after he was done with his job at the precinct, but that would be about 20 hours from now, and the thought of leaving this crucial case for that long was somewhat daunting.

He stifled a yawn as he pointed out a serious flaw in Cisco’s latest suggestion drawn in exaggerated details on the glassboard and watched with slight amusement as the tech genius threw his marker over his shoulder and slumped heavily into the nearest chair, spinning left and right while staring at the ceiling for a few seconds before turning his dark eyes toward Julian.

“So, Julian...I didn't know you swung that way.”

The question caught Julian off-guard only in the sense that it had taken Cisco so long to bring it up that Julian thought he had all but forgotten about it. “I usually don't. Sometimes I make exceptions.”

Cisco hummed noncommittally as he spun his chair around to fully face Julian. Suddenly he didn't look sleepy anymore. “You know when I said you reminded me of Hartley because you were a dick? I meant that as a compliment.”

Julian raised his brows high enough for his forehead to wrinkle. Cisco wasn't exactly the guy you went to to receive compliments. He just didn't exactly believe that people were deserving of them.

“Ahh...thank you?” He said in an unsure tone. Cisco wasn’t the first one to call him a dick or many other colorful adjectives boiling down to the same personality trait, but he was definitely the first to find it this appealing.

“Yeah, I mean, I like it that you have a dick, I mean, that YOU'RE a dick, jesus christ.” He buried his face in his hands to avoid looking at Julian’s amused face while the embarrassment from his slip of the tongue wore off.

“Cisco, are you trying to proposition me?” Julian tried to leave the amusement out of his voice but the glare that Cisco threw his way told him that he had totally failed at his half-hearted attempt.

“Normal people just call it 'flirting',” he grumbled as he spun his chair around to face away from Julian, arms crossed in a petulant manner that Julian found somewhat endearing.

The blond let out an exaggerated sigh just for the theatrics. “Well whatever it is, you’re really bad at it, so please stop.”

“So...it's a no, then?” Cisco said in a low voice as he busied himself with drawing pointless lines on a piece of paper, his long, wavy hair obscuring his face from Julian who was trying to determine just how disappointed the slightly younger man looked at the prospect of rejection.

Julian ventured a guess: _A lot._

“It’s a no to your miserable attempts at flirting. How are your kissing skills?” His tone was almost clinical, as if he was asking if Cisco was any good at Scrabble, but that wasn’t because he didn’t know how to flirt either. He was just a...what did Cisco call him? Oh yeah, a _dick_.

“Wanna find out?” Cisco’s voice, though, was definitely flirtatious, the dark undertone of it sending a warm, delicious shiver down Julian’s spine.

Julian finally got out of his chair and took a few determined steps toward Cisco who also rose to his feet to meet him at eye level. “You’d better not disappoint, Cisco.”

“God, you really _are_ a dick,” Cisco’s breath hitched, and Julian realized he had suddenly developed a perverse kind of pleasure for being called names by the tech genius. Apparently, the two of them were very compatible.

Julian grabbed Cisco's hand and pressed it against his own crotch, and almost let out a moan as his cock took an immediate interest in the slight pressure. "I also have one, and it looks like it needs your urgent attention.” His voice came out rough, pointy edges of arousal, his accent thicker than usual.

Cisco balked at the sudden feel of Julian’s cock through the thin material of his pants, but didn’t pull his hand out of the blond’s hold. “Whoa, dude, you sure have no idea about first date etiquette.”

“Are you complaining?” Because it was half past ten, his brain was half-dead, his cock half-hard and it would have been very disappointing if Cisco was not going to reciprocate his intention.

“No, not really.” Cisco pressed his hand harder against Julian’s crotch to prove his point and the Brit groaned lowly in his throat, loving the attention.

“Then let’s get down to business.” He growled as he forced Cisco backward and slammed his back against the wall without any consideration for the man’s comfort. The long-haired genius gasped in surprise and Julian took that as an opportunity to shove his tongue in and see for himself if Cisco was really any good at kissing.

The man in question recovered quickly and followed Julian’s lead, allowing the blond to take full control of his mouth before his teeth dug into Julian’s bottom lip and pulled it forward, the tip of his tongue flicking across the captured lip with dizzying fervor. 

There was something about being appreciated for behaving like an asshole that pushed all of Julian’s right buttons - or the wrong ones, depending on if you liked it rough.

And Cisco, with the way he had so wantonly exposed his neck to Julian’s oral mistreatment, definitely liked it rough.

“You kissed Barry differently,” Cisco panted through swollen lips, his gaze slowly moving from Julian’s equally bruised mouth to his hooded eyes.

Julian tucked a strand of that wavy hair behind Cisco’s ear, letting his fingers graze the back of his neck before grabbing it roughly to crash his lips against that delicious, absolutely skilled mouth once more. What was with metas and their amazing kissing skills? And to think Julian had been holding a grudge against this talented population all this time. It was now time to make up for all those lost opportunities, Julian thought with a wry smile.

He made a quick note to himself to have a talk with Cisco about his various metahuman powers. Could his portal-creating ability, for example, come in handy during sex?

Julian shook himself out of those strange fantasies. “Yeah, because that was a joke.” He almost breathed the words right into Cisco’s mouth, feeling a strong sense of addiction to the taste of his lips.

Cisco was too damn accommodating, giving Julian everything he wanted and then taking everything _he_ did. It made Julian’s blood sizzle with all the unresolved sexual tension he had picked up throughout the years as Alchemy, the blackouts always put a damper on his libido and the vulnerability of his mind forced him into being extra cautious around other people. _Well, not anymore._

“And what, you just turn into a sex fiend when you’re serious?” Somehow Cisco managed to keep his voice steady even as Julian dragged his lips across his jaw, down his throat and into the hollow of his collarbone, leaving a wet trail and a few scattered love bites behind.

“Wanna find out?” He returned Cisco’s earlier flirtatious suggestion cheekily, with his mouth still pressed intimately against his darker skin.

“About the sex fiend part or the being serious part?,” said Cisco breathily at the same time as he let his legs fall apart so Julian could push one of his own legs right in between and press his knee upward to brush it against the tech’s groin invitingly.

“If you stick around long enough, you’ll find out about both.” Julian surprised himself with what he just said, with the thought of turning this late night rendezvous with Cisco into something more serious, and how that thought excited him.

He had some serious commitment issues; he actually trusted his own right hand to do a far better job of getting him off than the one attached to another body; he even believed that sexual gratification should take a back seat to work and other activities done for the greater good of society; and yet, here he was.

“Oh god, dicks are totally my type,” Cisco moaned as he threw his arms around Julian’s slim waist to bring him even closer to his body, rubbing his obvious erection shamelessly against Julian’s groin. He leaned his head sideways to suck greedily at the sensitive spot under Julian’s ear, and the blond knew right at that moment as he let out a guttural moan that he was going to keep him, despite all his previous reservations.

He blamed it all on stupidly attractive metahumans with an insatiable desire for dicks, both the literal and figurative ones. Not that he was complaining. 

They ended up spending the last remaining hours to dawn sprawled on top of each other on the bed in the medical wing. And since neither of them managed to come up with a plan to restore Barry's memories, they had to team up with Killer Frost. It was a little embarrassing for Julian to admit that he had failed at finding a way to help Barry with his amnesia, but at least he had finally found someone who was amazing in bed and appreciated him for being a dick, and if that wasn't true love... _wait what?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for giving this silly little fic a try! <3 Now I'm gonna go back to angst, my comfort zone xD


End file.
